I did it in 7 seconds (14 seconds the first time).
I deserved an A+!!
Take the How Dexterous Are You? Quiz!!

That is once I figured out what the hell I was supposed to do! It probably took me longer than 14 seconds to recognize 'instructions' at the top of the page!! Sheesh!

dex·ter·ous: skillful and competent with the hands

Aww yeah baby! All that practice has paid off!!

(I took the test a second time and wow! I'm so frickin' cool!!)

I followed the signs from the google gods at the top of my blog today.

All I have to say is that the internet is a small small world! It linked to a site I had read and gagged over before. I highly recommend Stinky Meat. And the other wacky experiments from The Spark as well. That is if your stomach can handle it. :)

I've decided that in the interest of historical accuracy next year we're having lobster next thanksgiving! :)

(And maybe some seal for desert. Mmmmm!)

Mmmm I just had my first of many post Thanksgiving turkey sandwiches. I have to say that personally I wouldn't mind skipping the whole big family hoopla and jumping right to the leftovers!

My Thanksgiving went pretty well. Except that I had to share the holiday with my second oldest brother who pisses the hell off of me (hell OUT of me? Pisses me off, like hell? Hmmmm...).

I hate the way this particular brother is raising his family. He's controlling to the point that his 18 year old daughter was asking me why I could snag bits of Turkey before it was on the table and she couldn't. My brother actually yelled at my daughter for taking a bite of her food before the prayer and glared at me heavily when she said "I hate prayers" and continued eating.

Every time we get together with this particular brother it's the same thing. He freaks out when my kids tell him no. No, they won't give him a hug, no, they don't want to sit with him, no, they don't want to listen to him while he's yelling. He insists that they not tell him no because he's an adult, then I have to step in and tell him that he's wrong. That they most certainly do have the right to tell him no. And then he says derogatory things about my parenting and the fact that I was 'spoiled' and that I'm not an 'adult' and all this shit!

Ahhh, nothing like a holiday to bring a family together!

It's funny because there was a time when I was SO used to all of it that I didn't even notice. When Shawn would complain about my family and I would laugh and tell him he was exaggerating, and that's just how 'close' families are.

*sigh*

It's painful to grow up and see things with new eyes!

I've often wondered what my life would be like if I could go back in time to my teens and try it all again. And then today I found out that on Mars I'm only 14 years old! Weee!!! Because Mars takes almost 2 of our earth years to complete a rotation around the sun. Sadly I'm almost 110 on Mercury. Which is funny because I barely feel a day over 26. :)




In any case my next birthday is on Tuesday December 9th if only I can make it to Venus in time to celebrate. And I really should try because I will be turning 43 and I'm sure they have a big party planned.

I found all of this out thanks to a wonderful site called Your Age On Other Worlds.

There are not real useful applications of this information. Although I suppose you could use it to celebrate you Mercurian Birthday every 88 days! Weee heeee!!!

Anna pretty much summed up my feelings about Christmas in her blog.

But I felt the need to expand on that and say I don't just feel apathetic about Christmas. I feel that way about ALL holiday! Maybe I'm just the most jaded person on the planet. I just feel like there are WAY too many stupid meaningless holidays.

I guess my feeling is that we take whatever grain of dignity various holidays once had and comercialize it to the point of obscenity. I mean all of your basic holidays in this country came originally from a religious or patriotic background but have somehow gotten incredibly out of hand!

I'll start with tomorrow. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. A day to give thanks. A day to gorge ourselves on rich foods surrounded by smiling 'Indians' and pilgrims. OK I'm not a hugely political person, and I'm not big on political correctness but come on! We all know the crap we learn about the 'First Thanksgiving' is just that, crap. The picture we paint on that day of Native Americans and New immigrants sitting happily down at one big table to a meal of Turkey, pie and corn is so unbelievably fictional. And yet our society continues to perpetuate it, not at all unlike Santa except at least with Santa they eventually break the news that he's not real. Not that I don't relish the idea of having one day of the year set aside to make huge pigs of ourselves but come on! Lets not do it hidden behind such hypocrisy!

Christmas. The Biggest of all American holidays. There's the pagan side of it which somehow long ago got all mixed in with the Christian traditions and more recently it was all comercialized. It would almost be an interesting study in collaboration if the parties involved weren't so adamantly against eachother's ideas. When I was a teen my friend had a Christmas decoration at his house that was Santa kneeling next to baby Jesus' cradle with his hat in his hand. Talk about mixed up holiday! If you're Christian this holiday has meaning and I think that the fact that society has assimilated a religious holiday and made it something entirely different is just wrong. I'm not Christian. But I am against trampling religious beliefs. How shocked would people be if we took a high holy day of another religion and marketed it to the masses? What if we comercialized Ramadan or Hanukkah? Oh wait we are working on that aren't' we?

Have you noticed that? When I was a kid Hanukkah seemed almost like some scary little Jewish secret. Granted we sang the Dreidle song in school but now it's becoming much more in your face. Which is sort of good I guess. Although I think it does perpetuate the common misconception that Hanukkah is the 'Jewish Christmas'.

New Years is probably the most 'legitimate' and untainted of the holidays. A celebration of the new year which is something we all share regardless of religion, race, or political stance. And it's not based on some false history fabricated to gloss over the terrible things that have happened in this country. Of course staying up until midnight to party and getting really drunk (while, ok, adamantly it's fun) is either a rather trite way to celebrate a significant event or a pretty glitzy way to mark anniversary of another trip around the sun. Depends on how you look at it. Because really the passing of another year isn't some huge accomplishment. It's something that's been happening every 365 days or so for the last several million years. Not to poo on anyone's celebration. But it's sort of silly when you think about it.

Valentine's Day or Saint Valentine's Day as some would call it. The idea that we need a special day to express our love for someone is a little odd. And the direction that marketing has taken this is just bazaar! It's supposed to be about 'love'. And yet school children across the nation are forced (yes, forced) to bring cards to EVERYONE in their classes for this most wacky of holidays. Nothing means as much I guess as sending a card that says 'you're a great friend -be Mine' to the class bully. It's a crazy holiday all about candy, wine, sex, and roses. I'm surprised that Christians are even allowed this holiday as it seems far more sinister than Halloween from a 'potential for sin' perspective.

There is a whole slew of minor holidays which seem to serve absolutely no purpose at all except to give school children something to decorate the walls with. Presidents day is one of those. I guess the fact that both George Washington and Abe Lincoln had birthdays in February was reason enough to create a national holiday. I'm sure at the time they didn't realize just how silly the holiday was. St. Patrick's Day would also fall easily into the meaningless holiday category. It's something about being Irish, or Catholic, or a leprechaun. You'd think with my rich leprechaun heritage I would know more about it. There's Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, April Fools Day, May Day, Flag Day, Columbus Day, etc... Not that people really celebrate these days. I suppose they are really there in case you need a reason to think about something.

Easter is another prime example of the Christian/Pagan/commercial Holiday conglomeration. It's the time of year when we take what is quite possibly the most significant event in Christina Mythology and pair it up with a Perky chocolate egg delivering rabbit! Now I've seen people try to convince themselves over and over of the symbolism of Christ in the pagan Easter. And I wonder if they see how silly they're being. Can't they just accept that they are trivializing their own beliefs with an excuse to buy chocolate? Someday I will see an illustration of the Easter Bunny standing next to an empty tomb and I will know for sure that the whole of society has sold out.

Then there are the people days. There's Mother's Day and Father's Day. Now there's Grandparents Day, and Secretaries day, Bosses day, Postal Workers day, firefighters day, Health Care Workers day, Cashier at Jack in The Box's Day, Old Lady Who Lives Next Door Day, etc... Ok I exaggerated a little. But really do we need to have a special day to recognize every single person in our lives? And Bosses day?? What the hell. I think that was just corporate retaliation against Secretaries day.

There's Memorial Day AND Veteran's Day (??) then There's Labor Day and Martin Luther Kind Jr. Day. I lumped them all together because they are all really just excuses to get time off of work. I know they have real meaning but that has been largely lost and now it's just a reason for JC Penny's to have a HUGE SALE!

Independence is a good thing to celebrate. Though I think more and more people just go for the fireworks and the food. In fact as I'm writing this I had to stop and really think about what this holiday was celebrating. Independence from WHAT? Oh yeah, England. That's right. ;)

In my 2003 calendar September 11th was listed as Patriots Day. I don't know if this is an official holiday or just wishful thinking on the part of the people who made the calendar? I don't mind if they make September 11th a holiday after all we already have Pearl Harbor day, but I do hope Patriots Day doesn't stick. I would definitely have issues with that title. Patriot: one who loves his or her country and supports its authority and interests. I would have to point out that many (probably most) people who died on September 11th were not particularly patriotic by this definition, and to memorialize them as such would put them right up there with the Indians at on Thanksgiving. Call it WTC Day, Call it Memorial Day II. But lets not make gross generalizations about so many people in the intrest of creating another holiday.

Perhaps the most amazing thing about the whole holiday issue is that despite the fact that there are dozens of religious/political/commercial holidays in this country there still isn't a single one in August! You'd think that they would have gone out of their way to remedy that a long time ago since there doesn't seem to be any hesitancy to create new random holidays at any given time.

So there you have it. My extensive list of holidays and why they are foolish. You are free to disagree with me. I know some people like any excuse to party. I guess I'm just a scrooge.

Why is it all kids are picky eaters.

This issue receives more than it's share of attention in my extended family. And I was thinking about it a lot yesterday. In my family of origin I was always the 'good eater' and my sister was the picky one. I ate happily almost everything my parents put in front of me while my sister picked and whined. I knew I was in good with my parents because of this. For some reason they put a lot of value on eating.

Fast forward to now and my kids are the 'good eaters' in my parents eyes and my sisters are picky. It's not even true at all! But they say it like it's as natural as breathing that one family would have good eaters and one not.

Yesterday I went to lunch with my mom and my kids. We went to the Mongolian barbecue. My kids always like it there. Kathrynn loves egg drop soup! She ate all 4 bowls. This is a given. No one freaks out about it. It's 'cute' that she loves this so much and will eat it to the exclusion of everything else. Aiden shares my medium bowl of noodles, veggies, and meat. He mostly picked out the meat. As I was picking the thick, hard cabbage chunks out of my food my mom commented that she was glad my family weren't picky eaters. I had to laugh.

Here I was picking food out of a dish that I had chosen the ingredients for while my daughter ate soup (and only soup) and my son picked meat out of my food. And yet somehow we're NOT picky eaters?

I realized then that picky is as picky does (as Forrest gump would say).

Adults are not generally perceived as picky eaters. Do you know why? Because adults are the ones making the food. At the very least they're the ones ordering the food to their own specifications. Meanwhile children are only seen as the (ungrateful) recipients of food.

I don't like onions. For the most part I go out of my way not to encounter them. I order my food without onions. So generally no one has seen me throw away an entire slice of pizza because I bit into one onion. And as such I'm generally not seen as picky by outsiders. But if I'm eating 'foreign' potato salad, for instance, and it's loaded with onions, I will swallow without chewing to avoid the onions. How much better off I would be if I could just say 'no thank you'! But hell, I'm the Good Eater. I can't do that.

Can't we all just have preferences? My kids love spaghetti and don't like tacos. If my parents came on taco night they would see my kids as picky. If the came on spaghetti night they would watch Kathrynn devour 2 plates of spaghetti and assume she was a 'great eater'.

What the hell?

How is it a benefit to anyone if a person will eat ANYTHING? My husband is generally like that. He will eat pretty much anything. And in large portions. To tell you the truth it's frustrating at times because I would like to make things for him that he 'likes' but when he will eat anything it's hard to know what he really prefers.

I like Good Food. Maybe that does make me picky.

Perhaps Picky is in the eye of the preparer. :) My husband doesn't like olives. If I cooked more foods with olives maybe he would be the picky one.

I try not to pass judgment on what my children eat. I try not to define them as picky or as good eaters. I do appreciate that they are willing to try new things and that I can take them to pretty much any restaurant and find something they will like.

Maybe eating habits have more to do with a persons overall adaptability. Some people are by nature just more able to adapt to new situations than others. They shouldn't be punished or praised for this. It should just be accepted.

Wow! Two posts about food! Maybe I'm hungry.

My husband is Asian and consequently we eat an inordinate amount of rice. And it's not even the vaguely nutritious kind. Nope, plain white rice. I have to admit that I actually do really like it. It did take some getting used to at first but who doesn't love rice.

I grew up a meat and potatoes girl. I do still love a good potato. And you've all read about my fondness for meat. :)

I was talking to Dawn today and discussing prime rib and other meats that are served in a pool of their own blood. It's really just not right. I even like rare meats, but that's going way too far.

I remember a couple years back going to my husband's company holiday party and they had prime rib there that was so rare even my husband couldn't eat it (He loves rare meat. At Denny's he always orders the steak and eggs and he wants neither of them really cooked. It's like food poisoning on a plate. But who am I to question his eating habits? He has $300,000 in life insurance ;) ) But this was almost like they hadn't even bothered to cook it. It was as if they had somehow coated it in 1/8 inch of cooked meat and left the rest of it completely untouched. And the blood was incredible! Nothing like blood in your green salad, and mashed potatoes.

Which brings me to my point. If you do happen to get blood in your mashed potatoes it's a pretty simple task to stir it in really well and call it 'gravy'. But you just can't do that in rice. If you stir blood into white rice do you know what you get? Bloody rice!

And that's just wrong!

I had another crazy dream last night. I though I would share...

I showed up out of the blue in Seattle. I was wandering around Capitol Hill and I bumped into Anna. And she was in a hurry to go to lunch and said she couldn't talk to me. I was teasing her about going to lunch and asking who she was going with and she assured me she was going alone. Then I met this guy who seemed to be very lost. He's not anyone I know but somehow we hit it off immediately. He tells me he's supposed to meet someone on Broadway but doesn't know where that is.

So he shows me the address on a little paper (It was 3001 Broadway) and I tell him that I know exactly where that is and I can take him there. We skip of happily arm in arm singing BROOOOOADWAAAAAAY at the top of our lungs. The whole time we're walking I tell him all about that time years ago when two friends and I were looking for a place on Broadway and we walked a million miles in the wrong direction before giving up (which actually did happen even though personally I have almost no recollection, I was reminded of it last night by Anna, that's how it got into my dream). We walk around for a bit before realizing that we are either lost or not actually moving or have ended up right back where we started. So we give up and go into a little cafe.

I see Anna in the cafe sitting at a table with 3 other women. I go over and I'm really annoyed at her all of the sudden. I say "I see you're having lunch ALONE!" and she says "Fine, I'm on a date now shutup!" under her breath at me.

There is Latin type music playing so I grab the before mentioned guy and start dancing seductively with him. He's having a good time but feeling really awkward. Just then in the corner I see the 'middle girl' from the Dixie Chicks (I don't know her name but she's always in the middle. The short, hot one with the round face and the searing eyes. Oh forget it here's a picture...)


She's standing in the corner with a drink dressed in jeans and a biker jacket and she glaring/staring at me. Eventually she comes up and literally pushes the guy out of the way and dances with me. I look at Anna and she's jealous. I throw my head back and laugh evilly. Also at some point during all of this I realize that I have worn Shawn's pants. They seem to fit ok except that they won't zip or button. But I don't worry about it because my shirt is long enough to cover it. How they stayed on through all that dancing I will never know.

And that's all I remember. :) Weird hu?

Today was (finally) bunk bed day!! I am now the proud owner of the most purple bunk bed you will ever see. And it's frickin' awesome!!

My dad brought it over this afternoon. And he bought me a DRILL!!! My very own. I'm so happy you wouldn't believe it! I've always wanted an electric drill/screwdriver of my own. But they're pretty spendy and I couldn't ever convince anyone to buy me one. I could have got one for myself I suppose but it's really not something you buy yourself. It's just one of those things, if I remember correctly it's diamonds and drills that a woman shouldn't have to buy herself. :) So, anyway, my daddy got me a drill so I could put together the bunk bed we designed and built.

I got all put together and then I got to paint it. The purple we got is the brightest purple you can imagine! I was going to try to show you a sample but if your screen colors are different than mine it wouldn't work. So try this instead. Picture in your mind a bunk bed. Now make it the brightest purple you can imagine painting a bunk bed. Now make it brighter. Brighter. Brighter still. OK, that's probably it right there. It's almost magenta. The kids like it. And the whiteboard on the back turned out really well.

It's taller than I pictured so I had to fudge some side rails on the top for tonight so Kathrynn doesn't fall to her death. Eventually I will replace those with something better. I wish I could just shorten the whole thing by a foot! But I don't have a saw. Hmmm.... hey! who wants to buy me a saw?? ;)

The kids have been telling me since 8:00 that it was 'Way past our bedtime'. So they could go to bed in the new bunk bed. You have to understand of course that my kids generally go to bed at about 1am these days. LOL At 10:00 I conceded and helped them into their jammies. They climbed into bed at turned off the light. Five minutes later they're in the kitchen playing again. LOL Oh well

I bought a whole gallon of Brightest-Purple-on-the-planet paint. I didn't even use 10% of it. I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of it. I thought of painting the walls but they're not mine and it might not go over very well. :) I have a cheap ass bookcase I was thinking of painting as well but that will take practically no paint at all. SO I will still be left with most of a gallon of paint. Any great ideas?

One 1977 Spine, like new, barely used, cheap!

No, really, I don't need it. I was made to be spineless so really it's just taking up space!

*sigh*

So, Kathrynn had Sunshine Generation today. You can imagine how it went. Well, actually you'll have to imagine it, I can't fill you in because I didn't stay to watch. Why you ask? See the ad above!!

Kathrynn didn't want to go to Sunshine Generation today. But alas the $30 check I wrote last week for tuition bounced. So I had to go and talk to the lady because showing up for 2 classes, bouncing a tuition check, and then never showing up again isn't really how I want to be remembered by anyone. So I conned Kathrynn into going to class tonight with the promise that I would tell the instructor (who's name I'm not altogether sure of) that we had to leave early so she wouldn't have to say the whole time.

So we got there and I told the instructor about the bounced check, she charged me $10 more because that's what her bank charges her. So $30 plus the $20 charge from my bank and the $10 charge from hers and I've invested $60 in 4 weeks of class Kathrynn doesn't even like!!!

SO I told the instructor that we weren't going to be buying a costume because we were planning not to come back after the month is up. She asked why and I told her that I didn't think Kathrynn was really ready for the kind of structure she had in her class. She told me that she's been doing this a long time and that she's dealt with kids a lot worse than Kathrynn. In her defense she didn't say 'worse' but she certainly implied it.

What she did say was that I shouldn't take Kathrynn out of the class just because she doesn't like the structure. That I should 'have' (which is what people say when they really mean MAKE) her come to classes to learn the structure instead of just dropping out of 'everything' when it doesn't agree with her.

This rubbed me SO WRONG! But I am completely powerless to confront people. I wanted to smack her and scream at her about not giving my daughters stickers for every damn song she sings! I wanted to rage at her that I LIKE that my daughter speaks up and says what she wants even if other people think she's just some rude kid.

But did I do ANY of those things? Of course I didn't. I looked over the schedule for December and decided that since there are NO classes in December just performances, maybe we'll stay in just one more month. Sometimes I really hate myself.

I asked her if it was OK if I ran up to Fred Meyer and got the cash for her during the class and she said that was fine. She also suggested I go ahead and grab a cup of coffee and have an hour 'off'. Blech! I hate people that presume to know what I need.

But I did run up and get the cash, and will admit to dawdling and buying some stuff I needed and not getting back until the class was getting out. Why, because I suck.

When I returned she made a point of coming and telling me how well Kathrynn did even though she's a "stubborn little ****" (which she mouthed but didn't say) And then went on to tell me how Kathrynn had wanted the purple bunny but then 'realized' she wouldn't get it if she didn't behave and that she could try again next week.

Apparently this woman thinks I'm on HER side. Apparently she thinks she needs to shame and bribe my daughter into obedience since I obviously can't do it myself. She even mentioned how she noticed in a lot of her homeschooled students that they seem 'brighter' than the other kids but that they don't seem to take to the structure very well. I wanted to say 'Oh, you mean they aren't mindless sheep, but they are smart anyway??'

*sigh*

*grrrr*

Of course I said nothing. As I always say nothing. She's sure we're coming back next week. I just want out. But now we're going to just have to not show up. Maybe she will get it, probably not.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. And by struggled I mean I've watched it steadily climb year after year and got depressed about it but never actually tried to DO anything about it.

Well that's not entirely true. Last year I did attempt the Atkins Diet (my first real attempt at a diet ever) but the movie theatre popcorn did me in.

I read recently that the average adult gains about three pounds every year. This is regardless of losing and gaining large amounts of weight. This is the steady weight gain that just doesn't go away, or generally really get noticed. This is why we can almost always look at pictures of ourselves 5 or 10 years ago and go 'Wow, I was kinda thin then!"

Anyway, I decided if the average adult gains 3 pounds I must gain 5. And considering my weight right now this doesn't bode well for my future at all! In fact it pretty much says I will keel over from a massive coronary sometime in the next week!

Both of my parents have been overweight most of the time I've known them. Although I imagine they both weigh less than me right now. My dad has had a heart attack (and double bypass surgery) and my mom has had 2!! Plus cancer in her kidney and cirrhosis of the liver, and diabetes to boot! So I don't exactly come from the healthiest of stock. The sad thing was that when they were twenty six they were both young, 'thin' and active. Me I'm old, fat, and sedentary.

It's not that I'm a vain person. I am not particular about my looks. I'm not on the dating scene so I have no use for gorgeous. But I really don't want to be dead. And I feel almost as negatively about being so unhealthy I can't get out of my bed to get my oreos from across the room. In the last few years I've really started to notice the effects of gravity on my oversized ass. I have zero energy and my feet hurt just walking around. I don't want to play with my kids. This is bad!

I think the biggest blow yet was when my sister-in-law got her stomach stapled. She was SO overweight that she had actually died twice in the hospital. Her heart stopped and she was dead TWICE!! SO she got her stomach stapled so she would lose weight. I inherited her old clothes. *ouch*

I don't want to go down that road. My problem is that I lack motivation. I lack drive and initiative. When my parent's had their various brushes with death I felt strongly that I needed to lose weight, but not strongly enough to do anything about it. When my sis-in-law gave me all her clothes I felt it then, that's when I went on Atkins.

I'm just tired. And losing weight sounds like work, and I HATE work. I'm to lazy to do it so I guess I'm doomed to gain weight year after year and hope they have a hoist strong enough to drag my dead fat self out of the house when the time comes.

*sigh*

Yes I'm feeling a little depressed right now, thanks.

I was inspired to write about my college experience by M'Ellen's post I Have a Degree.

I did go to college. Not so much 'went' really as 'hung out'. C'mon it was just CBC! I always wanted to be a midwife. And for some reason going to CBC and getting my nursing degree sounded like a good idea at the time.

I did enjoy college. Mostly I liked hangin' in the HUB with Dawn and 'others'. The classes I took in college were for the most part even less memorable than highschool. I took choir two quarters.

The plan was to obtain a nursing degree, I think the only degree I got was in sex. :)

I think my first mistake was beginning college as a virgin. I was 18 years old, horney as hell, and trying to concentrate on mundane things like homework and study groups - blech!

At the end of my first year in college a met a boy. And things progressed quickly. Knowing we only had the summer because he was going away to WSU the next year we made the most with the time we had. That is to say we had sex A LOT!!! He went away to Seattle as planned and I went into the nursing program.

The problem was that in the nursing program you're expected to concentrate and spend time outside of class doing homework. What I found was that any attempt to do homework was getting in the way of my weekend bus trips to Seattle to spend quality fucking time with my guy. I was also working pretty much full time at McDonald's and a nursing home, so my time was spread pretty thin. Something had to give. Since I was sure I needed the money, and I knew I needed the sex, I dropped out of the nursing program. :) I also realized that I just really didn't like dealing with sick people. And that working with sick people was just not my thing.

By January I had started dating Shawn. In March I broke up with the boy in Seattle. With less distance to travel for sex I went ahead and took classes that spring. I never finished them either. Live in sex was even more distracting than distance sex!

By June we were engaged and playing 'house'. In December we got married and the rest as they say is history.

Now that my mind is less focused on sex (I know you're thinking, she talks about sex ALL THE TIME!! but you should have known me then!) I'm considering the option of going back to school and becoming a carpenter.

I really enjoy it and it's somewhat related to my first degree, as there will still be a lot of 'nailing' involved. ;) (I know it's cheesy but I couldn't resist!!)

I'm driving home this evening and it's 'rush hour'. Now admittedly it's not Seattle or anything but driving in traffic makes me tense. I was also skitty because it was dark. Which is really weird because I used to always love to drive in the dark, but in the last year or so I've found that it makes me nervous.

So, anyway, there I am, doubly tense and trying to hurry so I can get home to make dinner. A car merges in front of me and from the backseat I hear...

"Hurry up, they're taking our spot!!!"

Followed shortly by...

"I don't like how you drive, Daddy doesn't drive like that, why are you a slowpoke?"

For a moment I thought I might have accidentally buckled my father into the carseat but no, no it's Kathrynn. Yes, my darling five year old is now officially a backseat driver.

Not only is she making negative comments about my driving but she's using my husband as a 'better' example of good driving.

I really just don't get this child and it's pretty clear she doesn't get me either.

She frequently gets upset if we're waiting at a stoplight and when the light turns green we aren't the first ones 'out of the gate'. She's so competitive she thinks it's a race and screams at me that the other cars are 'winning'. If I am the first car to move she cheers wildly.

She's also been known to cuss out other drivers who are going 'too slow'.

Did I mention already that she's five? FIVE! I didn't pay any attention to anything beyond the car window until I was 16 or 17 at least. She gets mad at me if I stop at a yellow light? What kids recognizes these things?

Do you feel my pain?

I was raised in a 'good' Mormon home. And being raised Mormon there are two things you learn quite well.

1) People hate you because you can't drink cola (which I always did anyway which made matters more confusing).

2) People are really freaked out about polygamy.

I'm not Mormon any more and really it's a good thing because if they knew my views on polygamy I would be immediately ex-communicated.

I say, Why the hell not?

Polygamy makes way too much sense. I'm serious here people. How much easier would my life be with another spouse in the picture? In today's economy where they say two incomes are needed to support a family wouldn't it make sense then to have at least three parents in the picture?

The truth is that many (dare I say most) kids today DO have more than two parents. How is it better to have three or four parents who are jealous and spiteful towards each other than to have three or four who all live in one place and love each other and work together for the sake of the family?

I'm not saying one man should have a harem of women at home raising his 14 kids. But certainly a woman would benefit from having two husbands. Or perhaps a husband AND a wife. I want to be home with my kids and at the same time I recognize that financially I 'should' get a job. If I had a second husband or a wife added in who was working even part time bringing in more income, and offering another adult companion for the kids, it would be ideal.

imagine the child in this situation. Right now my kids have me and my husband to go to for support. I spend all the time with them and sometimes get burned out. Shawn works a lot and is often tired. If there were more adult in our nuclear family it would offer more resources for the kids. Just think of the strain on the childcare industry that would be lifted?

OK, I'm not crazy I know this would NEVER be legally sanctioned in this country where we have a very narrow definition of family. But wouldn't it be nice? Doesn't it make sense?

I don't understand why people would be against this. Of course I also don't understand why people are against gay marriage so what do I know?

And then of course there's the sex! Right now I'm basically limited to Shawn for sex. Not that I'm complaining. But how many affairs are caused every year (day) by people who get just plain bored with having sex with one person year after year? If there were more options in a marriage/co-operative people wouldn't need to sneak around to have a little variety.

Every argument I've hard against polygamy could also be brought up against regular two person marriage.

Anyway there's my opinion. And no, it won't really matter, ever!

*sigh*

My sister's family went on food stamps this month because her husband lost his job suddenly. She called me today to share her amazement after finding out what her food budget for the month is. $750 !!!!

Can you imagine?

Granted, she has five children but Ohmygod!! I spend less than $200 a month on groceries. Right about $90 per paycheck. I can't even fathom spending $375 every two weeks on food! And it's just food too. Strictly food. $750. Crazy! And to think I once pitied people on foodstamps assuming they were scraping by. Little did I know they were swimming in luxury.

I remember when I worked as a cashier and at the end of the month people would come in and they would have run out of money on their EBT cards (food stamps have gone to plastic). Now I wonder how this was even possible.

Is this really going to encourage people to get OFF foodstamps? What are they going to do when they get off the foodstamps only to find that they can't get by on a 'normal' food budget? Can you imagine having to go from $750 a month for food down to less than $300??

I can't help but feel a little bitter you know. That my husband works his ass off to provide us with the tiny food budget we have while people on food stamps are livin' it up! I know that's not the reality, but it is sort of a smack in the face.

Anyway I told my sister that what I would do if someone gave me that much money for a few months would be to spend pretty much like I do now, and stock up on non-perishables because sooner or later they will have to get off the food stamps and it would be a shame to have squandered all that free government money.

Of course this IS my sister. :) So it's highly unlikely that she will listen to my advice.

Everything is annoying me today. I was going to rant on one topic but I find everything so annoying today that I'm sure I will rant on several.

For starters I was reading The Plug in Drug today. Mary Ellen loaned it too me so I could read it (and hate it) but I'm hating it so much I'm having a hard time reading it. It's very frustrating to me to read a book I totally disagree with because I can't yell at anyone about it. Well I could (and did) yell at the book itself but it seemed not to take my words to heart. So I went at it with a pencil. Mary Ellen did tell me I could do so. But I was writing so much that it took me ages to get through the first 13 pages. And it was just making me angry. So I stopped.

What's weird is that there is so much of this book I would have totally agreed with 4 years ago. It's a very very good thing I didn't read it then. In this book they constantly refer to Television viewing as a passive activity. Passive? Have they been around children, ever??? My assumption would have to be no. And then in the very next paragraph they point out that children should spend that time reading instead of watching TV. Yeah, because READING sure gets you off your ass! Flipping those pages sure keeps you fit! I have nothing against reading!! LOL But it's such a sacred holy cow that it annoys the hell out of me. I guess so much of life is just about perspective and mine is apparently fucked up!


Speaking of my perspective. Kathrynn had Sunshine generation today. And the instructor lady must have been in a funk today too because she seemed to be very sarcastic and short tempered with the kids. On two occasions she really pissed me off. You've met Kathrynn. You know she's pretty good at speaking her mind. I'm very proud of this fact. In class today they were doing a dance and they each got two scarves tied to rings to hold and dance with. The instructor was just handing them out randomly and Kathrynn told her she really wanted two orange ones. At first she said "You get what you get" and then gave Kathrynn two orange ones. But one was short so Kathrynn asked if she could have another long one instead. So the lady did that for her. But she also commented "Gee, you really ask for what you want, not gonna break that spirit, someday when you have a job you'll go right in and tell that boss exactly what you need." Which isn't in itself all that annoying but she said it totally sarcastic. Kathrynn didn't care at all she was just happy to have two long orange scarves. :) One of the other girls piped up and asked for a long one too. So the teacher went around and replaced all the short ones with longer ones. One of the moms said (loud enough for all to hear) yeah I could tell K---- wanted one too but I gave her that 'don't you even dare' look." How sad that was to me! How very sad.

Later when they had sun their last practice song and they were going to do one more 'play' song before the end of class Kathrynn said she was tired. So I patted the seat next to me and she came and sat down. When the instructor saw Kathrynn next to me she came up to her and said "that's fine if you want to sit. Then you won't get a sticker at the end of class, stickers are for girls who participate, but you can sit there an pout." Kathrynn got up and joined in the last song and got her sticker and gave it to me because she didn't want it.

I wanted to scratch this woman's eyes out. She'd never do that to an adult (I hope). Kathrynn wasn't pouting, she wasn't 'misbehaving', she wasn't causing a distraction, she was sitting with me because she was done. And this lady thought that she would just shame Kathrynn all for the sake of some stupid sticker! Kathrynn's paying her for the class, Kathrynn is the customer here! She should get to decide when she's done!!!

I was SO annoyed. I'm still very annoyed! In case you can't tell. I don't know what to do. I asked Kathrynn afterwards if she had fun and wanted to go back again and she said yes. I was sort of hoping she'd say no. I wanted to march Kathrynn out of there and say "Come on, we'll go spend this $30 tuition check on a whole box of STICKERS!"

*sigh*

I hate people!

I was reminded the other day that Steve Burns (of Blue's Clues fame) whom I have loved for well over a decade has branched out into 'rock'. We can call it that I guess. Maybe more alternative-ish. I don't know what they call music these days.

But it's a far, far cry from the 'Mail Time' song, I can tell you that!

I went to his site and listened to a few songs. They're something I would like. In fact I'm planning to march myself right over to some music buying type place next payday and snatch me up a copy.

As you should too.

Because It's STEVE!! Adorable delicious Steve! Geeky darling Steve now sporting a scruffy beard for my viewing pleasure!

*sigh*

I would have run away with him then and I would certainly run away with him now.

Mike has come begging to me to add him to my list of links. So I double checked his cool-o-meter and have deemed him worthy.

I guess it was really a long time coming since I already mentioned him like a million posts ago and he comments enough on my blog. Plus I did have that shower dream about him!!

It's not that I don't like Mike. I do, so much I guess I was trying to keep him all to myself. Or maybe I was just trying to protect y'all from his coolness.

Well here you go, go at it, have a ball, but don't come running to me when your toes fall off from frostbite!

I added Chelee to my lists of people to gawk at. Over there. To the right. RIGHT THERE ---> --->

What can I say about Chelee. She's tragically hip. That's all she's apparently able to tell us so far so what more can I say?

I guess if she's Tragically Hip, which borders on an oxymoron, then I can be Delightfully Un-hip? Refreshingly Outdated? Gloriously Geeky?

In the immortal words of Mr.Rodgers..

"You can be anything that you want to be."

Ahh, where will this grand adventure that is my life lead next?

I tell you where! To the shower. Bye

OK lets face it all tongues are gross. But that's not the point I'm making here mine is REVOLTING! It's actually breaking out in a riotous frenzy inside my mouth. The battle lines have been drawn and my tastebuds are dutifully marching to the front lines!

I mentioned several posts ago that I suffer from a condition called 'Geographic Tongue'. It's about the vaguest disorder this side of ADHD. For starters the name 'geographic tongue' is supposed to man that your tongue looks like a map. I guess Mappy Tongue didn't sound scientific enough and Flaming Tongue of DEATH was just not graphic enough.

Based on my extensive research Geographic tongue is sometimes caused by bacteria, sometimes by yeast, sometimes by a fungus, and occasionally by allergies. It may or may not be systemic and may or may not require direct contact. They've really been able to pin this thing down as you can see.

The list of 'cures' I've found online is extensive and reeks of snake oil. Basically you can try any of a number of cures and they will either help or aggravate the condition further. I've also read that it is a chronic condition and there's no cure just ways to have less oubreaks, and some of the methods are reported to take up to three months to show any results.

Now I ask you, if you were suffering from red horrendously painful lesions on your tongue and the recommendation was to brush them vigorously with baking soda toothpaste UNTIL THEY BLEED would you do it? What if it might take three months of this masochistic behavior to show results and THEN the results were not even guaranteed to work at all?

The question then in my mind was who is the idiot who came up with this? What was going through his mind. "I just know if I keep making my tongue bleed it will eventually get better." ????

The problem with my geographic tongue is it's getting progressively worse. And it seems to be uprising against my favorite foods. Here's a short list...

Ketchup!!!!
Strawberries
Peanut Butter
Mexican Food
Doritos!!!!
yogurt
Alcohol!!
Oranges
Lawry's Seasoning Salt

Now I ask you. How am I to survive?? Specifically without Ketchup Doritos, and Alcohol? Have you met me? Do you realize the travesty this is in my life? It's almost enough to make we want to brush my tongue until it bleeds every day for three months!

I often wonder if I should be a vegetarian. Not that I could, but I wonder about moral issues and the fact that I don't think I could ever kill, clean, and cook something. But I SO love meat! There's just something about chewing flesh that is very satisfying to me.

When I was a child my dad used to make flank steak. He's slice it thin and shake it in a paper bag full of seasoned flour. Then he'd fry it up. Delicious! If I was lucky and standing nearby while he was slicing the meat he would throw me little bits of it. Now that I think about it, that's weird. It wasn't weird at the time.

It wasn't like I was begging at his feet or anything. But I would just be nearby and if my mom wasn't looking (because she always got mad when he gave me raw meat, I can't imagine why ;) ) he would cut off a small inch or so morsel and dredge it through a little garlic salt and let me eat it.

The funny thing is that not long ago I was at their house and they were making flank steak. I walked up (in full view of my mom even) and sliced off a piece. I hadn't eaten raw beef in YEARS. I wanted to see why I ever ate it in the first place. I reluctantly admit that it is still quite tasty. *sigh*

I was 'surfin' the net today. And I happened upon this site. The Sneeze. And between laughing my ass of and peeing my pants, I found a quote to live by.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?

This will be my new mantra.

Of course this is in sharp contrast to the Vegetarian Taco Soup I had for dinner. What can I say I regressed. ;)

Bloging may be addictive and bad for your health. Or at least your sanity! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

They're coming to take me away haha!!

I've now discovered (all by myself) how to change the size of pictures. So no more insanely huge waterlillies for y'all. Sorry. I'm sure you'll find a way to go on.

I had a picture of me up there for a bit. If you were lucky you saw that as it's gone now! I decided it was to vain to have a picture of myself on my blog. But I made a fun title graphic instead.

It's hard to come up with a suitable picture to go with a name like 'benign convictions'. If anyone has a better idea please feel free to let me know. That said I do feel rather like the screamer in the picture above so, really, that works fine for me right now.

Off now, off off off I say!!!

Maybe I am a supergenius.



Actually all that this really proves is that I was 100% completely wrong. You CAN have images on here without paying money! Who knew? Cool. Actually I guess other people knew this. They just preferred to let me look like an idiot. Thanks people!

Now I will have to go out of my way to have pictures in every post!!! And definatly insanely HUGE ones like this. For Sure!

I took a quiz to see which Greek god I am most like. Found it on Mike's blog. I think it nailed me dead on! (and there's nothing I like better than being nailed dead on! - I think). So apparently I am most like...


Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


Cool hu? :)

So I went on a quest to find a free image hosting site. Not that it's terribly hard or anything but I was inspired by M'Ellen's plea.

Here's what I found. If it does work we will know it was an act of some higher force than myself. Possibly the Webmasters at Village Photos or maybe Anna. Who knows.

Of course if it doesn't work we will know it's only because I'm totally inept and should go back to my crate.

I realize I may have been a little hasty before in my denouncement of candy. The truth is there must be an exception to every rule, right? And there certainly is with this rule.

White Rabbits

They are like manna from heaven. Little bits of manna all wrapped up for my chewing pleasure. MmmmmMmmmm!

If you've never had a white rabbit (in case you've lived in a little box your entire life or something) they are little Japanese milk candies. It's sort of like a tootsie roll that they forgot to add the gross to.

Imagine, if you will, taking a delicious vanilla milkshake (mmmm) and pouring it on hot concrete. Let all the liquid evaporate and then take the sticky solids and roll into little one inch long shapes, wrap in rice paper and enjoy!

Dawn is generally the one who keeps me in White Rabbits. She knows they are my weakness They are best enjoyed warm from my pocket.

Who could possibly resist milk flavored candy? Milk. Mmmmm.

My lovely husband got me a computer. Well he built it from bits and pieces he got here and there. But it's nice and it works and it's ALL MINE! :)

Problem: The colors or the resolution or something on this monitor is all f**ked up!! So I sign on to my blog this morning only to find that my previously sexy red blog is now clashy shades of brown and salmon! ACK!!

So if you are looking at my blog wondering to youself "Is the whole world insane? These colors aren't sexy, they look like vomit!" you will know that you too are suffering from bad resolution. No, I'm not colorblind. It actually looked better when I made it!

I had a dream last night. In my dream I was visiting M'Ellen's house. We showed up uninvited and she apologized for the mess. We went in and her house was almost completely empty. I went in and looked around and noticed there were two couches in the livingroom. They were both white, as was the carpet and the walls. Nothing anywhere but these two white couches in an all white room. Am I getting my point across here? It was WHITE!! I asked her if they were moving and she said no, she was just trying to simplify.

I asked where everything was and she said "Oh, I moved it all into the office." (the office being a small 10x15 or so room where she keeps her computer and piano, which is weird, and not even a part of the dream!).

Just then I noticed there were two guys sitting on one of her couches. She told me they were there trying to sell her a computer program that did accounting or some such stuff. She asked me to sit down and look it over with her.

So we were sitting there on a large overstuffed white couch looking through this program and we were snuggled up together (??) which wasn't weird at all at the time but now that I think about it, it is.

Just then I realized that these two salesmen where actually Mormon missionaries. I mentioned it to M'Ellen and she already knew and said that she was glad they were branching out and making a profit.

Then I woke up.

WEIRD!

So I followed that link around a bit more. What can I say I'm a sex (reading) fiend. LOL

And I have to ask.

Would guys even read such a book?

I know Shawn wouldn't. For starters he won't read self help books. It's a macho thing. Before a guy would ever be willing to read any self help book he has to be willing to admit he needs help.

How many guys are going to willingly admit they need help with anything? Especially getting women into bed?

Maybe a man who's more sensitive. One who is willing to put the macho aside and admit he has a weak spot. But in my experience these aren't men who are out looking for 'women'. You know.

Another sub-catagory of men who might read self help books are men who are in a committed relationship and are being badgered by their wives to read a certain book. And I don't know a lot of wives who would make How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace required reading for their partner.

Maybe I'm wrong.

But I'll tell you one thing for sure. Well over 99% of their book sales are going to be online. I doubt you'd even find these books in bookstores. Even if men do manage to swallow their pride and buy these books they won't be marching into Barnes and Noble and plunking it down on the counter in front of a live cashier!

So maybe there is a market in the faceless internet industry for these books. Right up there with the penis enlargers that clog my email inbox on a daily basis! Nothing like marketing to the fragile male egos.

So I signed onto my new, sexy, redhot blog today and this was the ad at the top. :) In case it's not there any longer you can follow that link.

It was a proud, proud day for me to know that I could generate ads for books with such alluring titles as How to Have Sex with Hot Girls , The Rules for Getting Laid , and my personal favorite, How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace .

It's good to know that such books exist. But it makes me wonder. If these books really work, where did the authors find the time to write them? Wouldn't they be much too busy doing... uh... more important things?

Well there you go people. And I really like it so I don't want to hear your negative comments. :) Just learn to live with it!

DAMN!! DAMN!! DAMN!! DAMN!!!!!

I think I really screwed up here. I made changes to my blog that I don't think i can undo without losing all of my links and stuff. We'll see. If so, oh well.

Yeah, I know. Who'd have thunk it.

But everything else looked drab and boring.

So I've spent the last several hours changing colors and fonts on my blog (as I'm sure you can tell). I had a great time and have to give Keith a big hug next time I see him, for all his help.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Right.

But here's the thing I found. Blogging reduces my parenting skills greatly.

It's a bad thing.

Not long ago (I say that but I honestly have no idea how long ago it was it might have been hours) Kathrynn came up to me and said "Mommy, I want to go to bed I'm tired." I said "Give me just a second and I will help you with your jammies." Now she's asleep somewhere. :(

I'm such a terrible mom!!

So here's the thing. I can't post everyday. If you see me posting too much (you be the judge) please beat me with a large stick!

It should help I think.

Now Keith has started a blog! Holy God. When will I find the time? Now not only do I have 5 new books I have to read but Keith's blog too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I can't take the stress!!

But Keith is witty and adorable so we must read it. Yes WE. Me AND you! If I have to read it you have to read it too!

*sigh*

I went to M'Ellen's house yesterday to return a book I borrowed and to get a book that I loaned her back. It's nerve wracking to have someone else's book in my possession for too long. Something is bound to get spilled on it, or it gets bent, torn, or otherwise mutilated. I was relieved to be returning the book to her finally. So what does she do? She sends me home with a bag of FIVE MORE BOOKS!!!

I suspect it's a conspiracy. I think she figures if she keeps loaning me books I will eventually ruin one (most likely a limited edition, signed by the dead author one) and then she has a reason to hate me.

C'mon M'Ellen!! People have hated me for much less than that. No reason to construct such a complicated rouse!

Either that OR she knows that by sending home books I will be forced to spend more time reading and less time on the computer. We all know about M'Ellen's unnatural bias towards reading.

;)

Many of you have seen my husband's hair in the last month and know that he's gone stark raving mad! :) Possibly a few of you have even watched his slow metamorphosis from banged, to buzzed, to long, to BLOND! Yes, finally I'm married to the long haired blond I always dreamed of, well, almost. :)

He had the night off today and I managed to bribe him into letting me braid his hair. I won't divulge the details of the bribe, that's none of your damn business.

So I got to braid his hair and not just braids but tiny braids all over his head. We had a name for these braids when I was growing up but I won't say it because it isn't politically correct AT ALL! But you know the braids I mean.

It took me a LONG time to braid it. All the way through Daddy Daycare and a good portion of Charlie's Angels 2 (Drew, sigh, isn't she adorable?). His hair looks really cool. IMHO. Except it looks like he has blond extensions because of his black roots. LOL. He doesn't really like them. But I enjoyed braiding it and in the end we both got what we wanted from the experience. :)

Also I added another blog to my blog link place thing. My friend Anna is quite funny. And witty. She'll fit right in. :)

SEX!

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers was playing at my house today. We've all seen it many times before. Everyone watched pieces of it. I only caught the very end.

It was at the part where Frodo and Sam are walking with Smeegle (sp?) at the end and they are telling each other how great they are and how famous they will be someday. And even though I've seen it before and I KNOW what's going to happen I can't help thinking that at any moment they are going to stop and make out!

I know it's just supposed to be a deep 'brotherly' bond but when Frodo looks at Sam with that innocent little gay boy look with those eyes, and Sam looks at him with the little lost puppy look, I just can't help but see that spark. Maybe they delve deeper into that in the extended version! ;)

I love my daddy. Today I was at my parent's house because my dad and I are building bunkbeds for my kids. And dad and I went to Home Depot to buy screws and wood and stuff. The whole way there we were talking about inventions. His inventions, my ideas for inventions. He's the only person who really listens to my ideas about things like that.

The bunkbeds are going to be done very soon I have to bring it home and paint it next week. The whole back wall under the top bunk is whiteboard so I can get Aiden some dry erase markers and he can write on it to his hearts content. :) The 8'x4' sheet of white board was less than $12! I think someday when we move I might have to do their whole bedroom in it! :)

The only problem with my dad is he HATES my kids. Well not MY kids specifically, but kids in general. It's sad because he was a lot of fun when I was little but now he's a grumpy old fart! :)