Shawn applied for a Trucker Training course last night. He starts on the 10th. Let me clarify that. On the 10th he will board a bus in Pasco and head to Salt Lake City (well someone had to go to Utah, right Anna ;)) where he will train to be a truck driver. For FIVE weeks!

It's all happening so fast I'm spinning. It seems like the timing couldn't be much worse. Things are still so up in the air between us. But at the same time I figure the timing is just about perfect. Right? Because things happen when they happen. While I don't personally ascribe to the idea of things happening for a 'reason'. I do feel that things are what they are and wishing they were something else is just a fruitless exercise in frustration.

So, Shawn's leaving. Before I found this out today I had packed up all my stuff at my sisters in preparation of moving back to the house. Mostly because my sister and I 'got into it' about something today and it was made clear that it was time for me to move on. So I was planning to move back to the house, wondering how all of that was going to play out and now as it turns out Shawn's not even going to be there... timing. LOL

I'm seriously considering getting rid of the house completely. I don't want to live there anymore. Which will leave me finding a new place, with Shawn gone, with Neal still here! Weird I know, but it looks like Neal and I and the kids will be finding some new place to live. And then Shawn will be home about 4 days a month after his initial training period. And Neal will only be there on weekends. And somehow I'm going to have a job working at night and have the kids all to myself for the most part...

Yeah, I don't know how it's going to work either. Maybe I need a mommy roommate who can be home with the kids at night... But I'll already have 2 semi-part time roommates. Hmmm any ideas?

On the upside I will have the car all to myself. Which will certainly make things ~easier~ ! LOL

Shawn and I took the kids to the fair last night. It was all very last minute. We knew that we both wanted to go to the fair but it hadn't happened that either of us had made plans to go so we ended up going as a family.

The most amazing thing has happened. My son LOVES the rides. Yes, Aiden. The same child who only this summer has learned to enjoy the swings and slides at the park LOVED the rides. It seems like only yesterday that we had to ask them to stop the Ferris wheel so we could take our hysterical screaming child off. But actually yesterday he went on rides with wild abandon.

We started off with the Ferris Wheel. Our litmus test so to speak. Figuring it to be probably the most sedate of the rides we could use it to gauge his reactions. I was surprised enough when he actually said he wanted to go on it. He didn't just tolerate the ride he enjoyed it!

He went down the Big Slide. He went through the Fun House with the suspended bridges (which he did in baby steps holding up a line of about 15 people behind him! LOL) and the Mardi Gras House of Mirrors (by himself!). He even went on the Gravitron! I told Shawn he was going to ruin our whole trip by taking him on there. I was wrong. He loved it. And he was SO proud of himself for doing it!

He went on the big YoYo swings which he smiled the whole way through and we all went on the Tilt O Whirl.

My baby is growing up.

Next stop Disneyland!

I had to work last night but I really wanted to go to karaoke anyway. I decided to go ahead and go at 9pm when it started and stay as late as I could, then go to work.

because I was only going to be there for a little bit I didn't call any of my friends and tell them to meet me there. So I was flying solo. But Keith, the boy I stalk, was there so I hung out with him some. I couldn't drink because I was on my way to work so I had Mt.Dew and bought several beers for Keith. :) Alcohol by proxy. And he let me wear his watch so I would know when it was time to leave.

I was only able to sing one song because the damn DJ was avoiding me, I swear! I sang Breathe by Faith Hill. I decided that song is not really in my range but strangers said I did a good job so clearly I don't know what I'm talking about.

I worked day #2 at my now job. It's a great job. Dawn SHOULD be jealous. It's like 8 straight hours of doing dishes at McDonalds!

Diana called me on my cell and I chose to reject the call because, hello, in the middle of day 2 at a new job! A little while later she called again and left a voice mail.

Apparently she had called EVERY 7-11 in Richland (somehow missing the one I was actually at) asking for Katie. And none of them had a Katie so she was calling to tell me how very confusing it was. She didn't come right out and say "I know you're not REALLY working at 7-11, you're just avoiding me." But it was all over in her voice.

I briefly thought of calling her back on my break to ease her mind, but I was so DAMN annoyed at that point I decided to just let her stew.

I'm a bitch, I know.

I was originally supposed to start my new job last night. But because of paperwork that needs to be done before I can get into the computer and legally work, I don't get to start until tonight. So I decided to use last night to get acclimated to the night life and also for one last fling at karaoke.

So I called Holly. Because Holly is like a karaoke dealer! She can hook you up with some karaoke any night of the week. She knows all the DJ's and all the places to go. Plus she's a lesbian, and I like lesbians. LOL

So I called Holly and found out that there's karaoke on Sunday nights at Jerry's Place behind Albertsons. It starts at 6. I got there by 8. Holly didn't Show up until AFTER 10! But really that's besides the point.

I sang Walking After Midnight by Patsy Cline before Holly even got there. I was so nervous! New bar, ALL strangers! But it was survivable. As I was singing my second song, Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks, Holly came in.

I ran into Jim Major who some of you will remember. Apparently he lives on the same street as I do (well when I'm at the house with Shawn) less than a block away. Who knew? He's divorced. He showed me a picture of Andrea and the 4 kids. He gave me dome advice on marriages and how to end them. LOL

I finally sang You Oughta Know by Alanis Morriset. I've been waiting a long time to sing that song in public. There's something about getting to say Fuck into a microphone in public that's very gratifying.

I met this guy named Dan. Dan was originally hitting on me at the bar while I was waiting for Holly. Then of course he knew Holly so when she showed up he came an sat with us. He seemed old to me. So when he was hitting on me I was laughing him off. He told me he was 40 but I totally didn't believe him. He showed me his ID. He was 40. LOL Holly's mom was there as well and he was hitting on her equally. She's 53. It seemed weird to be in 'competition' with a 53 year old! LOL

Holly and I sang Give me one Reason to Stay Here by Tracy Chapman. By then they were trying to wrap things up because technically karaoke there was supposed to and around 10 and it was almost midnight. I conned the DJ (JT the DJ) into letting me sing one more song. Hanky Panky by Madonna off of my new CD. That was a Damn fun song.

Then we found out they had Karaoke at Denny's on Sunday too. So we went there. But apparently they were closing up. It was only 12:40 and the night as still young. We decided to drive out to the Out&About to do some dancing. We picked up Dan on the way (he was walking down the street) and we all squished into Holly's little pickup truck. Dan was drunk and would absolutely not stop biting my shoulder so we dropped him off at home.

We got all the way to the Out&About and they were CLOSED! At 1am! It was sad. So we drove back to Richland and went to The Uptown Tavern for a drink. There we got talking. Talking about parenting and schools and stuff of that nature, oh, and relationships. We closed down that bar. Neither of us was really sober enough to drive so we wandered around uptown talking and YELLING about how crazy the world is for believing all the mainstream crap.

Eventually I was able to drive. It was 2:30 and I was SO not ready to go home. I was having such a good time. We drove to my sisters but I decided to keep driving. We ended up sitting in the parking lot at Marcus Whitman talking until 5 am! About breastfeeding, homebirth, homeschooling, vaccinations... etc. OK, not at all how I expected my evening to go.

I had such an amazingly good time!

Shawn spent a good 20 minutes on the phone with me the other day ranting and raving about how controlling of her kids Kat is. He went on and on about how kids need freedom and guidance not rules and strict boundaries. Yes, my husband. The same one who is cleaning house and paying bills!!! I should have left a long time ago! (shaking my head in wonder)

This is one of my very favorite Madonna CD's. I found a used copy at Hastings for $5.99. I made Shawn buy it for me. It's the best CD. Brings back so many memories!

Shawn and I had a serious discussion about the idea of me moving back into the house as roomates. It ended abruptly when I burst out laughing at his statement that I would have to help clean and couldn't be in charge of the finances... wait I'm getting the giggles again!

Yesterday my kids were in a music video. My good childhood friend Roseann is married to a guy who does music for children. Yesterday my kids were invited to appear in a video of his which may or may not end up on PBS, or the kid's cable networks. It was fun. Hectic and chaotic but fun. :) Unbelievably my kids were among the best behaved. Kathrynn, especially, did GREAT!

My career as a karaoke diva was short lived. Tomorrow I start a new job at 7-11 as a night janitor. Because it's a night job Sunday through Thursday it will effectively squash my ability to go to karaoke on Tuesday nights. :( And most places don't have karaoke on Fri and Sat which will be my nights off. Oh well, it's not forever, it's not forever, it's not forever...

To quote my daughter "Music is my LIFE!" Tee hee

I went out to Karaoke at the Town Crier last night. There's a boy there who I have been stalking since Radcon. I've been slacking on my stalking responsibilities so I figured I needed to work on that. My friend DeAnna from work met me there and so did Holly who is a friend of DeAnna's, and a lesbian. We had a swell time.

I sang 5 SONGS! Ok two were not by myself. But three were. I sang Like a Prayer by Madonna, But I do Love You by Leanne Rimes, and Crazy by Patsy Cline. I was drunk enough by the time I got to Patsy Cline that I was dancing and singing and I got a few cheers from the crowd for that. It was nice. :)

I sang Love Shack with the boy I stalk. I did a much better job of it this time. And Holly came out and helped me a bit.

I sang That's What Friends Are For with DeAnna, Holly, and two other strangers.

I must find a way to sing karaoke EVERY night of the week. This is my mission. :)

I got roses today at work. Three of them. Red.

I am SO dating myself.

hmm...

I'm guilty, oh so guilty. I admit it!

I want an iPod.

*sigh*

So I'm an official karaoke addict I think.

See, somehow I made it to 28 without ever being shamed into karaoke. It's not that I didn't want to it's just that everytime I insisted 'I don't sing' people just foolishly believed me.

A month ago I went out to karaoke at The Town Crier. It was fun and I was conned to get up and sing back up to Love Shack. It wasn't exactly a big debut. The next week I was in Seattle and went to karaoke at The Wild Rose, a lesbian bar in Seattle. Aside from being totally intimidated but the terribly packed house I was suffering from the throat of burning fire. I could barely speak much less sing. A week ago I was determined to uphold my internal bargain with myself to sing karaoke. Sadly last week I was still horse. I felt better but was too froggy to even consider making that big break onto the stage.

But last night I did it! I sang two songs at karaoke night at the Out and About. I sang You Learn by Alanis Morriset and Lady in Red (By the guy that sings that. LOL

I don't know how I did. It felt like a weak performance, and it's nearly impossible to hear yourself up there but it was fun. And now I'm addicted to finding songs I can sing next time, already anticipating that next big high. :)

This has reintroduced me to Alanis Morriset big time. I love her songs. They are so angry! : )

Next week You Ought to Know

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

1-'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

2-And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
(rpt 1,2)

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?
(rpt 2, 2...)

I know it's angrier than I am! LOL But it's SO MUCH FUN TO SING!

Well, this morning I have an 'informational interview' with Fred Meyer. So I may be returning to work there, once again. For some reason I just can't stay away. :) It's a really good place to work. Good benefits, decent pay, and hopefully I can pick up a lot of hours. I actually applied for the Deli position but they said they have a Playland position open and what with my experience in that area and all might I be interested in that instead? It kinda sucks because Playland is, by definition, only part time. But I figure I can keep my position at the gas station and get enough hours to support myself.

I still don't know where things stand exactly with Shawn, we talk a lot but we never really get anywhere, it seems in one conversation we go from getting an immediate divorce to trying to work things out and stay married, plus every other feasible option in between.

Mostly it's me I guess. I'm just not ready to be divorced. I'm not ready to say our marriage is completely unsavable, but at the same time I'm not ready to hand my heart over to him completely again, neither of us are. So for now we're still in separation limbo.

Which by the way is totally sucking for the kids. The whole idea of staying together 'for the kids' is looking more and more logical every moment. Maybe things weren't perfect before and I know they felt that but now everything is in upheaval, and it's definitely wearing on them. *sigh*

But for now I have to go shower.

Well, life moves ever foreword...

As part of our separation Shawn and I agreed we could, should, and would date other people. Surprisingly I have found it easier to do than he has. But have you ever tried dating yourself?

I used to think, and even say on occasion that my perfect match would be to date myself, I'm not just talking sexually here, although that would be a definite bonus! But I look at myself and see this odd little hodgepodge of behaviors and think the only one who could really understand and appreciate them is someone who shares them.

But in reality I have found that dating 'yourself' is not all it's cracked up to be. It's convenient that you like the same foods, and soda, and TV shows and activities but damn, I'm needy!! I've always laughed off my creepy clingy stalker tendencies but from the other side they're not nearly as endearing. Really.

I fell in a way as if I'm paying some sort of penance for every person I ever latched myself onto and wouldn't let go of. Like I'm getting my just desserts. I so have to get out of this relationship!