I got this email today from my dad. I thought it was funny. Others my not. It may even offend some people...like...people with small breasts and fiery tempers.

Life Story ...A Mans View...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

I always hated math in school. Hated it with a passion. And I was BAD at it. The only math class that made the slightest sense to me was Geometry. So when I got involved in the unschooling 'movement' and found I was not alone in hating math I was very happy.

Through repeated discussion I was able to realize math is not a bad thing. Math is a natural force (like gravity) that exists everywhere. But that they way schools go about teaching it is just totally fucked up, and that's why so many people end up math-phobic. Not only that but I came to realize I DON'T hate math. And I'm not as incredibly bad at it as I always thought. In fact I really like math, on my own terms.

So now Kathrynn's in first grade math and I'm dealing with it all again, only worse! The methods of teaching math over the last 20+ years have clearly changed and as far as I can tell they have changed for the worse!

It's so far off from what I was taught that they actually have instructions on the back of the page for the parents. It's that non-intuitive.

Here is a sample of the insane story problems in question...

Jane had three cookies, her mom gave her two more cookies. How many cookies did Jane have in all.

(Ok the problem itself is not hard by any stretch, Kathrynn always gives me the answer right off after reading it. But apparently that's all wrong!)

Thought__________________________
Information______________________
Plan_____________________________
Solution_________________________

There, now solve that. Like I said, non-intuitive, hence the need for instructions. So what you might not have known is that 'Thought' is another word for Function. Why they would teach them to call the function a thought so that they could later confuse them further but teaching them that it is called a function is completely beyond me. Probably the same reason the dentist wants to call a cleaning 'tickling' their teeth.

'Information' is the numbers in the problem. 'Plan' is the problem and Solution is the problem with the answer. So it ends up something like this...

Thought___+_______________
Information__3,2__________
Plan______3+2_____________
Solution__ 3+2=5 cookies__

So do you get why I hate it? I swear it's not just laziness. The ones I really hate though are these ones...

Jane had 3 cookies. He mom gave her more cookies so that she has 5 cookies in all. How many more cookies did her mom give her.
Thought_______
Information___
Plan__________
Solution______

Again Kathrynn can tell me the answer. But in order to show it like they want you have to write it out as a subtraction problem! And there's clearly no subtracting going on here! Why do they want to confuse people like this. Math isn't this hard!

So instead we made it an algebra problem and solved for X. 3+x=5 It was easier to explain that than trying to explain that it was a subtraction problem. Granted it was 'wrong'. So I asked the teacher (in the handy comments section of the homework paper I have to sign every night) how she was teaching the kids to set up these sorts of problems in class so I could help Kathrynn do it 'right' instead of just confusing her.

She wrote me back that the instructions were on the back of the paper and if I had any more questions to call her. SO NOT HELPFUL! Because the instructions specific to these sorts of problems are NOT on the back. Surely I am not the only person who's ever been confused by this. And it gave me the distinct impression that I had grossly misused the 'comments' box which is probably only for her to write to me and tell me Kathrynn had to be asked to stop talking in class again.

I really do hate first grade more the second time around. Maybe my attitude is just bad, or perhaps I have a lot of potential I'm still not living up to.

Today Kathrynn and I had the following conversation...

"Mom, someday when I'm grown up can I have my own house and kids?"

"Yes"

"I'm not going to send my kids to school though because it's a little boring and Mrs. Diaz only lets us go to the bathroom if it's an emergency"

"I'm glad"

She's still going to school though. I ask her each day if she's planning to go and each day she apparently is. She's in a special reading class because she's 'behind' which makes me roll my eyes. In order to be in the class (because it's VERY expensive for the school because it's almost one on one) I had to sign a paper saying she wouldn't miss more than two days of school a month or she would be removed from the program. She wanted to go so I signed it.

Each night we have homework. Not SHE has homework WE have homework. LOL And the Math is SO SO wrong! I don't have time to explain it right now, when I have more time I will write an entire post about how much I HATE the ADD math program and why!

Phew!

I've been packing and sorting and working and mothering and when I have the time I've been trying to sleep. I'm so exhausted.

Why?

Well, this weekend I'm having one hellacious yard sale liquidating a lot of my assets. I would really like to make some cash from this yardsale but just as important I'm trying to get rid of some stuff. It's amazing how much shit a family of four can amass in just a few years! It's slow progress. But it's happening. Shawn says to me over the phone that he wished he could be here because I'm so stressed out I was crying over the phone. But realistically if he were here it wouldn't help much. There's a lot of picking through things one at a time going on and I find when other people try to 'help' they just fluster me.

All in all it's been very liberating to get rid of the crap. There's so much crap I've been holding onto for absolutely no reason. It's nice to be able to let it all go.

After the yard sale I will have next week to pack up the remaining stuff and move it out to... my mom's?? I think. I hope so. LOL Unless something else magically happens between now and then. We're hoping to have a second yardsale next weekend at my moms (same crap, different location) before donating all of the rest to Goodwill.

And then, maybe I will be able to breathe!

Today my mom and I went through all of my sewing crap. For someone who doesn't really sew much I had a LOT of sewing crap. We sorted through it all for the sale. I kept the bag of scraps from my wedding quilt (because it needs repairs), a baby blanket that we made at Aiden's baby shower but never finished!, a tapestry with a quail on it that I have never done anything with but have always meant to, a large piece of fabric I bought before I was married and am still in love with, and my sewing machine. Other than that the rest is out!

I've managed to keep the toys we're keeping down to one large box. I sorted out all the different building sets and things. I figure the odds of selling them are better that way. I'm keeping all the Legos for Aiden and all of the Polly Pockets for Kathrynn. Aside from that there are just a few special things here and there that we're keeping.

I'm getting rid of most of my books. I haven't really tackled the shelves in the dining room yet but so far of my books I've only kept 2 or 3. Shawn's are another story though. I've not been authorized to get rid of ANY of his books. Some are collectors items and worth money but since I wouldn't know which are which I'm only allowed to box them and stick them in storage. Same story with most of the computer shit. Well I haven't touched anything in the computer room but all the computer bits and parts I found in other rooms of the house are fair game as far as I'm concerned.

So far my To Keep pile of clothes is only slightly larger than the Not To Keep pile. I'm going to have to go through the keepers though again when I have more free time because it's still way too much.

So much to do! And not enough time!

Sigh

I want to get off!

Where to even start...

Well I'm all moved out of my sister's house. Does this surprise you? It sure surprised me! At about 8 something this morning my mom called me to see where I was. Moments later she was at my door to tell me that Alicia (my sister for those who may not know) was on her way home from Spokane (they went for the weekend marriage thing) that she was hysterical and only really said that I had to be out of her house by the time they got back. Don't ask me why. I don't know.

So I marathon packed my belongings that have been slowly making their way over to my sister's and my dad came to get the big stuff. It's all back at my house again. I've since talked to my sister and I'm no clearer on exactly why I was evicted. Ok I didn't even bother to ask because she needs to do whatever's right for her relationship with her husband. I understand that totally. So I'm not even worried over the WHY's of the situation. Just a little (lot) disoriented because it all happened so damn fast.

It wouldn't be all that bad really but it's put me into two difficult binds. I'm supposed to be out of this house by the end of the month (count thirteen days!) I don't have someplace else to go. I was planning on hanging at her house until I saved up enough money to get into smaller cheaper place. But I don't know how I'm possibly going to work graveyards now! Gha! My mom said I might possibly be able to come stay there for a few weeks if I need to. But that's not ideal either. In fact it's about 2 degrees less ideal than staying at my sister's was. But it's only short term right, only short term.

As for long term I will likely be moving to Utah. Maybe I'm just an extremist but it seems to me the best course of action right now is to sell everything that will fetch a price, toss the rest and run off to be with Shawn in Utah. My mom is against this idea which makes it all that much more enticing. ;-) I feel like I should be totally freaking out. I'm not. I'm not all at peace with it all or anything, I just don't feel the point in freaking out at this point. I've always thought that being homeless and living in a tent would be an adventure. I just never planned on it being September! LOL

Traveling back in time, last night I went out with Keith and his sister Tanya. We had a swell time. Keith is a lightweight, Tanya was the designated driver and I got sloshed. That's all I will say about that.

There was a huge fiasco the other day with Shawn and his class. Apparently when you get a new license (Utah) you have to surrender your old license (Washington) and if you get caught with two from different states it's a $5000 fine! No, that didn't happen. But in the midst of the transferring of the licenses they found that he has a suspended license in Ohio. Ok, we knew that. We've just always pretended we didn't because WA overlooked it when they gave him this license seven years ago and we don't live anywhere near Ohio.

But in their check of his records they found that his license was suspended and that left him with two options give up and come home or pay the fines that resulted in the suspension and get it released. He chose the latter. And after a lot of phone calls and worry we managed to pay the $600 and get it all sorted out. It did put him 3 days behind in his training though which sucks. On the plus side though he no longer has a suspended license! :-)

Anyway, my head is spinning and I need a nap.

I just said "I love you" to Aiden becuase he was hugging me. And he said "I love you" back!!

It was the first time he's ever said I love you! It made my hear melt. So I had to share.

No, not my husband. Not my kids, not even my extended family. No this time it's me. Somehow I have managed to strain my coccyx. Those three little bones that form what might have been my tail if my DNA had been slightly different. The ones we never think of. Well when you strain them (or rather the ligaments that hold them onto your sacrum) you think about them a lot because they hurt like HELL!

I'm not sure if this is a work related injury or something... extracurricular. All I know is as long as I'm standing or sitting I'm fine. It's those brief moments between standing and sitting that feel like back labor to the nth degree and make me cry! I didn't go to work last night and today I went to the doctor. He called it coccydynia. Which really causes more raised eyebrows than just saying my ass hurts. The doctor said I could just call it back strain and not go into how LOW on the back it was. LOL

I was excused from work tonight as well and he said I could go back tomorrow but not do a lot of bending or lifting which IS my job! So I don't know how exactly that's going to work. I can't miss that much work though because I just heard from Shawn that he's not getting paid for the first 3 weeks of his training!!

Talk about a pain in the ass!

Shawn and I went out last night for one last time before he boarded the bus to Salt Lake this afternoon. We went to the Out&About because we had always talked of going and he'd still never been. It was all ages night! So there were lots of little kids there. I assumed we would see a lot of young people but I swear there was a 10 year old hustling people at pool. I swear!

The drink special was Hurricanes for $5. (LOL) I'd never had a Hurricane before it's apparently rum, rum, and pineapple juice. Somehow it comes out red. Don't ask me how. I decided I needed one. Hurricane, Katrina, you know. So I had adorable bartender John mix me up one. It was very tasty though I question it's pineapple juice content because this thing was STRONG!

Please understand that I hadn't really slept more than 3 hours at a time in about 3 days so I was instantly past tipsy. Shawn and I talked a bit, then went an played pool, twice, he kicked my ass both times. We came back to the lounge for more drinks (can't drink in the pool room on all ages night) I had my second hurricane of the night. It was not mixed by John and was much more pineapple-y. John by the way, says he knows me from somewhere a long time ago. Does this surprise anyone? It shouldn't. But he insists it's not just that I look familiar but that my name is familiar. So apparently my evil twin is also using my name. My, isn't that convenient.

After the second round of drinks we went and danced (can't have drinks on the dance floor on all ages night either). It was loud and crowded. It wasn't like I was dancing with one person it was like dancing with 6, all of them bumping and grinding. It was awesome! We danced until we couldn't anymore. By this time I was D-R-U-N-K! After only 2 drinks. We sat for a while and the girl sitting near me had crutches so I asked her about her leg. She told me the story. And after wards she insisted she knew me from somewhere!!

Something I can't even explain compelled me to have a third drink. Another hurricane, mixed by John, strong as the first. As I ordered the drink this guy next to me struck up a conversation. I'm not sure how someone with that much chew in his lip was able to make words, but somehow, unfortunately, he did. Chewing has got to be the most vile of habits, hands down. Give me a smoker over someone who chews any day!

The third Hurricane did me in. I WAS New Orleans! But the lights on the way home were sure pretty. We ran into Holly on the way out, she was picking up her daughter. She has a dryer for me. We ended up at Denny's where I accidentally spilled my glass of water in Shawn's lap and everyone there laughed at me.

Even ended the evening with a flood. ;)

I know it is a twisted black kind of humor but I can't help but feel a little tingle of glee when I read about the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina. I've been berated and put in my place for it already but I am personally so far removed from it all that I can't help but enjoy headlines like "New Orleans Battered by Katrina" I've had to stop myself from saving all of the headlines. I know I would look like an uncaring psychopath if I did. But really how often do they name a destructive natural disaster after you?

Really, feel really bad for the victims of this tragedy. While at the same time seeing the humor. I'm a bad, bad, person, I know this.

Also I have to notice the correlation with my life being in complete and utter chaos at this time. Hmmm.