Two gross things happened today. Not only that but they happened within twenty minutes of each other. I think this is a new record.

Nasty Number 1: Power Bar
Have you tried this shit? VOM-IT! I have this co-worker who swears by them. She says they are addictive and really good. I should have taken seriously the ominous feeling I got when she said "The 'chocolate' one doesn't really taste like chocolate, but it's really good."

I was at the store today buying quick eating crap because meals in my house have become a thing of the past. I remembered what she had said about the Power Bars and decided that I should try them because my motto is and always has been "I'll try anything twice, if it doesn't kill me the first time, might as well give it a second chance." So I purchased two of these Power Bars. I'm not sure they can be classified as candy, and I hesitate to call them diet bars because they are LOADED with carbs (45 grams to be exact, which is a TON when you consider that the whole entire thing only weighs in at 65 grams!). The Bi-line on the packaging calls it 'the original performance energy bar' so we'll go with that.

Anyway, willingly placing my trust in my co-worker I chose 'chocolate' and Some peanut butter chocolate chip concoction. I made my purchase and headed out. Barely out of the store I dove into the peanut butter one because I had skipped lunch and breakfast, and dinner last night come to think of it. My first impression was that it looked like a cookie someone forgot to bake. No, really. And it tasted a lot like that too. Which wasn't horrible. But the aftertaste was unforgivable and before half of the thing was gone I had my tell-tale carbo overload headache. So I saved the rest of it figuring someone at my house would eat it (they did).

The other one. The "chocolate" one. I saved for second because there's something slightly enjoyable in anticipation. I figured the peanut butter one wasn't great but surely pure chocolate must be better. How wrong I was. Here's the play by play.

Through the packaging you can tell this is definitely no candy bar. How you ask. Well, first off it bends. And not like "hey don't bend my Snickers you'll crack the thin delicious outer chocolate shell", more like "here, pull my taffy." So I opened it and it was predictably taffy looking. Well more like gritty shitty taffy looking but it did have that rubbery glisteny taffy-esque look.

But the smell! Have you ever opened a fresh bottle of B vitamins? Ever notice how they have that malty yeasty smell? Not a good smell when you're looking at something trying to pass as food. Not good at all.

The bite I took started off like taffy. The right amount of resistance. I was ok at that point with fairly pleasant visions of chocolate flavored Laffy Taffy. But then my teeth met. I knew immediately this was no taffy because there was the undeniable feeling of very dry hay between my teeth.

I cautiously chewed the mouthful. My co-worker was right about at least one thing, it tastes nothing like chocolate. There was a very FAKE chocolate taste too it. Which rapidly melted away leaving me with a mouthful of what could best be described as very mild coffee grounds. Or have you ever eaten raw oats? Or imagine if you will taking a years worth of the bits of popcorn 'skin' that get caught between your teeth and munch on that for a while.

And it doesn't go away! You can chew and chew but the flakes of 'fiber' never get small enough to slide unnoticed down your throat. No, instead you have to swallow a grainy lump which no longer tastes remotely like the non-chocolate it began as.

The worst part is that it tastes way worse once it's gone than it did when you first bit it so you HAVE to have another bite just to get the taste to go away! I guess that's what she meant when she called addictive. Addictive, in the sense that it's so gross you have to have more.

My chocolate loving kids each tried a bite. They politely refused my offer of a second.

As a reminder PowerBar = NASTY!

Nasty Number 2: Moldy Jerky
In my quest for quick eats I also bought some jerky. Generally I'm not a huge jerky fan because dried, UNCOOKED meat freaks me out in a big way. But a while ago a vendor came into our store peddling jerky and he let me sample some Teriyaki Smoked Beef Steak Nuggets and they were mighty tasty. Not hard and rubbery at all and they didn't have that congealed blood vibe that so many have. No this stuff was soft and delicious like eating a well cooked steak. Well, sort of.

Anyway, they had this same stuff at Albertsons and I decided that hey, since Yhe State's paying I can afford $5.99 for a teeny tiny bag! So I bought some. I was also pleased to read on the package that the steak nuggets are precooked before they are cured. Hooray!!

So, high on carbs from the PowerBars, I gleefully dove into the jerky in search of some low carb goodness. The first piece was just as I remembered it. Tender, mouthwatering. The second, well, I do prefer my jerky to NOT be coated in fungus!

At first I thought maybe it was just fat. I've had jerky before where the fat cooled and made a nasty white layer. But this wasn't like fat. I thought maybe it was just fascia the connective tissue between muscles. Nope wrong again. I called their helpline trying to determine if this was a common problem or if this was how it was supposed to be. The help line was no help. There was no, Press 3 if your jerky has white growths.

I even got on their website but it was all about ordering more (not likely!).

On further examination I found the white stuff to rub right off. Which was pretty alarming in itself. When rubbed off the white stuff stayed in a solid sheet a 'skinlike' form if you will.

And worst of all the white stuff when smelled after it was freed from the overpowering smell of teriyaki steak bits smelled just like mushrooms.

It was unanimously decided that this jerky was inedible and I will return it to the store tomorrow. But right now I have to go vomit!