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Saturday, July 26, 2008

YES 

On Mary Ellen's recommendation (at least I hope it was a recommendation, reading it again I could see how maybe it wasn't, but I think it was) I read Eat, Pray, Love. It was fabulous I thought. Not exactly life changing, but relevant for sure, and mind opening at least.

If only I had the money to travel the world for a year. Oh, yes and the ability to pause my children. LOL

It is interesting that she recommended it though because I find that books come into my life as they are needed. I'm really not a big reader. I'm not the type who always needs to be reading something or who keeps a list of things I want to read. It's rare that I actually long to read. And I tend not to research books before reading them either. They just sort of show up either recommended to me as this one was or by complete chance like The Re-Enchantment of Everyday Life (the last book I was engrossed in, which I randomly picked up for 99 cents at Hastings).

And yet they always seem to be completely relevant. The answer to a prayer that I never prayed. LOL

Interestingly also I've reached a point where I have been doing a lot of 'spiritual seeking'. That would be one thing these last two books have had in common. They are geared toward those of use who are seeking to make sense of it all. Which Mary Ellen didn't know when she recommended the book. Which makes it kinda extra neat.

What did I take from this book in relation to why it was recommended? That there is nothing at all wrong with accepting at least two solid years of singleness. At least as long as I'm also willing to accept that it might not happen. Which I always have been.

As much as I'm learning over and over NOT to trust people, lovers specifically, I'm learning more and more that it is OK to trust the universe. To put what I WANT out there and to hope, and even expect that it will work out the way I want it or better. The or better is important.
I don't think I'm a naive person. I actually see myself as pretty damn jaded but with that comes a realization that whatever happens, if I make the best of it, it's the best thing that can happen.

When I applied at UW I knew from the moment I applied it was pretty much out of my hands. I had worked hard, I had written the best essay I could. I'd mailed it in on time and all I was able to do at that point was visualize what I wanted and trust that it would all work out. The funny thing was I got accepted. That wasn't how it was supposed to work out when I applied. When I applied, moving to Seattle and going to UW was my backup plan. When I sent off that application my heart was sure that the best thing for me was that I NOT get accepted which would have freed me up to move to Oregon and be with Sara, guilt free. But it didn't happen that way.

Once I was accepted I had to let everything else fall in place. I have always maintained that going to UW might still not be the right thing to do. But if that was the case then something would happen to prevent it. People close to me have stared at me as though I were crazy when, in reference to paying for school, and juggling child care and having a place to live, I have said with a great letting-it-wash-over-me gesture "It will all just work out".

I had no legitimate reason to trust that it would all work out. This is a big school in a big city where none of my family lives to function as the safety net I'm SO used to. But part of me is growing to trust the universe that let me get accepted into the college I needed to go to even though my heart wasn't in it when I applied. But at the same time I know that had I NOT been accepted something better would have come along.

I just seems to be falling into place. The money is there. The perfect school for my children doesn't even have a waiting list this year. And just the other day I was offered a 3 bedroom apartment in the family housing which was my last big concern that I was blowing off.

At the same time I feel I have more friends in Seattle already than I do here. And my family here most days is just barely tolerable.

All this feels like all signs point to YES.

I've always wanted to move to Seattle. Always. Since I was 11 and my class went there on a field trip. And for the first time in my life I feel like I actually can. I can and it makes perfect sense.

It's taken 20 years!

I went back tonight and read a lot of old posts in this blog. In a way I was trying to pin down exactly when my marriage went to hell. I can't. Obviously it was stewing for a long time. It's easiest to say that the affair was the catalyst that eventually ruined it all. But that predates this blog so it's hard to tell. I have another more private blog that I was keeping from before the affair and the posts there are actually remarkably simular to most of what you find here. In fact some of my most depressed and depressing posts in it are right before the affair.

I think my reoccurring problem in relationships (and not just romantic ones) is that I have the real relationship and then in my head I have one or more imaginary relationships with this same person which are varying degrees of better or worse than reality.

I know that early on in my marriage it was these phantom relationships that both made me see bad thing in our marriage that weren't really there and allowed me to overlook real problems that could have possibly been dealt with earlier. I guess ultimately I think my marriage could have been saved. I'm not saying it SHOULD have been. Or that I regret how things have turned out. Only that I think if I, personally, had had a firmer grip on reality we might have been saved a lot of trouble.

And then I did the same thing so many years later with Sara. I let the phantom relationships get in the way of reality.

I know this is a habit I have. I recognize it now. And I don't want to keep reenacting this same scenario over and over. Which is why I have decided to remain single. Basically just to give myself permission to not NEED to be in a relationship so badly that I invent one. I really need to get to a point where I can accept the reality of what IS as opposed to what might be or what I want or what some childhood demon thinks of the situation.

I'm not saying I want to be alone forever. I don't. But I know that I have a problem with dependency in a relationship so I want to learn to be independent. I know a big issue in my marriage was money so I want to be able to support myself and manage my own finances. I see this as a time to build skills that will hopefully make any relationship I get into later stronger. I think that is a perfectly honorable use of my time and energy.

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Friday, July 04, 2008

Off we go... 

Sooo, I never post here anymore. And I don't really think anyone reads it anyway... lol... but...

I got accepted into UW and I will be moving to Seattle sometime in the next couple months. It's kinda terrifying. Now that I'm finally leaving the TC I can totally see all of the things I will miss. :) And all of the reasons to stay. It can be frightening when dreams come true.

Sara and I broke up. I wasn't really surprised when it happened. i think it will be for the best. I think that I can only really function in school if I'm single. I'm going to try to stay that way for the next two years at least. Relationships are too complicated and take too much energy. Better to avoid them.

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