I updated my cafepress store. Now everyone can buy Bulk Weiner items. I also added some Question Authority items for the little'uns. Enjoy!

I had a dream last night that the Adulterous Whore gave me a McDonald's Monopoly game piece. How weird is that?

I was mulling around some apartment complex going door to door doing something. I came to her door and knew she had called me and wanted me to come over for something. I knocked on her door and she answered the door. We were both all smiles and friendly 'ignoring the elephant' so to speak. Inside I was annoyed, annoyed that she invited me over, annoyed that she presumed she had something I wanted, annoyed that there was not a smidgen of guilt on her face. I wondered if she had had her baby yet and it suddenly appeared at her feet in an infant carrier. It was a girl. She had a Boardwalk Monopoly game piece she wanted to give me, she said something about how it was her moms and it was an extra and she immediately thought of me. I was outrageously offended but politely said that I wasn't collecting them and was that all she wanted.

Then I woke up.

Weird.

I got this at work. Sliced it right off of a box of hotdogs in the freezer!



It was priceless so I had to share!

I think I will make t-shirts with it...

So, I got a new member in my household yesterday. The long awaited brother-in-law has finally arrived. He reminds me a lot of Shawn. What with his Korean-ness and all. But get this, he CLEANS! Shocking I know! He did my dishes and helped clean the livingroom. Well, more accurately, he cleaned the livingroom and I felt guilty and helped. He even picked up the dishes after dinner!

I may have to keep him. I told him so. And he told Shawn I said it when Shawn got home this morning. Shawn came to bed and woke me up to tell me that I'm not allowed to sleep with Neal just because he does the dishes! LOL

Have to come up with some other method of showing my gratitude I suppose!

Also Kathrynn LOVES him! She will not leave the poor man alone! I had to warn him about locking he door when he uses the bathroom because she will come in and try to talk to him while he's peeing! Guaranteed!

I hope my blog doesn't hate me forever! I missed our anniversary! Missed it completely! Yes, one year ago on October 18th we tied the knot in what I hoped would be a long term relationship. I hope I haven't totally screwed that up! I need to go buy flowers I guess!!

You're a sap. Either that or it's all just a way
for you to get some ass. You might have an
illegitimate child somewhere.


What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Thanks Chelee for the quiz! :)


What Color is Your Brain?
brought to you by Quizilla

At work: I work best by myself. I like to focus on my ideas until my desire for understanding is satisfied. I am easily bored if the subject holds no interest to me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to set priorities because so many things are of interest.
With friends: I may seem reserved. Although my thoughts and feelings run deep, I am uneasy with frequent displays of emotion. I enjoy people who are interesting and of high integrity.
With family: I am probably seen as a loner because I like a lot of private time to think. Sometimes, I find family activities boring and have difficulty following family rules that don't make sense to me. I show love by spending time with my family and sharing ideas and interests.

Did you ever not take a chance?

Have you ever built something up in your mind for days and days to the point where it seemed an absolute certainty, or at least a theoretical possibility and then totally chickened out?

Have you ever not even taken the chance at taking the chance because once the moment was appropriate you were suddenly 13 again and terrified? Heart racing palms sweaty, mouth completely inarticulate?

Damn self consciousness, damn insecurity, damn it all!

I just read an interesting essay, well, speech actually, called "What's So Funny About Bisexual Separatism?". It may or may not interest some of you. But I found it quite interesting. It's meandering and thought provoking.

At one point in the speech she is talking about labels and how we chose labels and how many we are allowed :-). She quotes an online friend as saying...

"Labels make me itch, so I tear them out."

I though that it was poignant enough that I had to quote it as well.

She also talks about the us/them situations so many of us get ourselves into. And it's not all about being bisexual either it's about any us/them feelings we get. Homeschooler versus Schooled, unschoolers versus structured, men versus women, and how by making a black and white distinction we completely ignore ALL of the grey!

I do tend to label myself. But my labels are LONG and detailed. I suppose those kind of labels could be the itchiest of all.

At work today I was stocking these GIANT cookies we sell. I noticed that on the package it says "Homemade From Scratch" which we all know is a big huge lie. You can't make things at home, package and sell them like that. They have to be made in a commercial kitchen.

So anyway, my immediate reaction to this statement was 'My Ass'.

So it went something like this in my head.

"Homemade from scratch, my ass"

Which made me think of Jennifer's recent post and how much funnier that is if you take out the comma. Which is exactly how it sounded in my head.

Homemade from Scratch My Ass!"

tee hee

Oh I seriously need this!!

Oh, and this too!

And This.

A couple of these.

Buy, Buy!!

Two gross things happened today. Not only that but they happened within twenty minutes of each other. I think this is a new record.

Nasty Number 1: Power Bar
Have you tried this shit? VOM-IT! I have this co-worker who swears by them. She says they are addictive and really good. I should have taken seriously the ominous feeling I got when she said "The 'chocolate' one doesn't really taste like chocolate, but it's really good."

I was at the store today buying quick eating crap because meals in my house have become a thing of the past. I remembered what she had said about the Power Bars and decided that I should try them because my motto is and always has been "I'll try anything twice, if it doesn't kill me the first time, might as well give it a second chance." So I purchased two of these Power Bars. I'm not sure they can be classified as candy, and I hesitate to call them diet bars because they are LOADED with carbs (45 grams to be exact, which is a TON when you consider that the whole entire thing only weighs in at 65 grams!). The Bi-line on the packaging calls it 'the original performance energy bar' so we'll go with that.

Anyway, willingly placing my trust in my co-worker I chose 'chocolate' and Some peanut butter chocolate chip concoction. I made my purchase and headed out. Barely out of the store I dove into the peanut butter one because I had skipped lunch and breakfast, and dinner last night come to think of it. My first impression was that it looked like a cookie someone forgot to bake. No, really. And it tasted a lot like that too. Which wasn't horrible. But the aftertaste was unforgivable and before half of the thing was gone I had my tell-tale carbo overload headache. So I saved the rest of it figuring someone at my house would eat it (they did).

The other one. The "chocolate" one. I saved for second because there's something slightly enjoyable in anticipation. I figured the peanut butter one wasn't great but surely pure chocolate must be better. How wrong I was. Here's the play by play.

Through the packaging you can tell this is definitely no candy bar. How you ask. Well, first off it bends. And not like "hey don't bend my Snickers you'll crack the thin delicious outer chocolate shell", more like "here, pull my taffy." So I opened it and it was predictably taffy looking. Well more like gritty shitty taffy looking but it did have that rubbery glisteny taffy-esque look.

But the smell! Have you ever opened a fresh bottle of B vitamins? Ever notice how they have that malty yeasty smell? Not a good smell when you're looking at something trying to pass as food. Not good at all.

The bite I took started off like taffy. The right amount of resistance. I was ok at that point with fairly pleasant visions of chocolate flavored Laffy Taffy. But then my teeth met. I knew immediately this was no taffy because there was the undeniable feeling of very dry hay between my teeth.

I cautiously chewed the mouthful. My co-worker was right about at least one thing, it tastes nothing like chocolate. There was a very FAKE chocolate taste too it. Which rapidly melted away leaving me with a mouthful of what could best be described as very mild coffee grounds. Or have you ever eaten raw oats? Or imagine if you will taking a years worth of the bits of popcorn 'skin' that get caught between your teeth and munch on that for a while.

And it doesn't go away! You can chew and chew but the flakes of 'fiber' never get small enough to slide unnoticed down your throat. No, instead you have to swallow a grainy lump which no longer tastes remotely like the non-chocolate it began as.

The worst part is that it tastes way worse once it's gone than it did when you first bit it so you HAVE to have another bite just to get the taste to go away! I guess that's what she meant when she called addictive. Addictive, in the sense that it's so gross you have to have more.

My chocolate loving kids each tried a bite. They politely refused my offer of a second.

As a reminder PowerBar = NASTY!

Nasty Number 2: Moldy Jerky
In my quest for quick eats I also bought some jerky. Generally I'm not a huge jerky fan because dried, UNCOOKED meat freaks me out in a big way. But a while ago a vendor came into our store peddling jerky and he let me sample some Teriyaki Smoked Beef Steak Nuggets and they were mighty tasty. Not hard and rubbery at all and they didn't have that congealed blood vibe that so many have. No this stuff was soft and delicious like eating a well cooked steak. Well, sort of.

Anyway, they had this same stuff at Albertsons and I decided that hey, since Yhe State's paying I can afford $5.99 for a teeny tiny bag! So I bought some. I was also pleased to read on the package that the steak nuggets are precooked before they are cured. Hooray!!

So, high on carbs from the PowerBars, I gleefully dove into the jerky in search of some low carb goodness. The first piece was just as I remembered it. Tender, mouthwatering. The second, well, I do prefer my jerky to NOT be coated in fungus!

At first I thought maybe it was just fat. I've had jerky before where the fat cooled and made a nasty white layer. But this wasn't like fat. I thought maybe it was just fascia the connective tissue between muscles. Nope wrong again. I called their helpline trying to determine if this was a common problem or if this was how it was supposed to be. The help line was no help. There was no, Press 3 if your jerky has white growths.

I even got on their website but it was all about ordering more (not likely!).

On further examination I found the white stuff to rub right off. Which was pretty alarming in itself. When rubbed off the white stuff stayed in a solid sheet a 'skinlike' form if you will.

And worst of all the white stuff when smelled after it was freed from the overpowering smell of teriyaki steak bits smelled just like mushrooms.

It was unanimously decided that this jerky was inedible and I will return it to the store tomorrow. But right now I have to go vomit!

I made 12 sandwiches today. Five slices of Ham, four of turkey, and two of cheese in a soft french roll spread with cream cheese. Each identical. It was hugely gratifying.

I'm a big freak I know but here was my logic. I want my husband to continue feeling supported in going to work. One of the best ways I can do this is to make him lunch. I know it's a little odd but it seems to make a big difference to him. But the thought of remembering to make him a lunch each day while working and trying to juggle the kids and the rest of my life was overwhelming. So instead I made a bunch of sandwiches that he can help himself to. :-) Sometimes I'm so efficient it's disgusting!

And it was fun. There's something very satisfying in production line work. Turning out sandwich after beautiful sandwich each all meaty and cheesy just the way he likes them. Then wrapping each in plastic wrap. My fridge looks like a little deli. I need to get some mustard and mayo packets.

I know I'm weird, you don't need to tell me.

After just one day of working Shawn was making plans last night to stay on at the winery permanently if they will let him. :-) I guess that's a good sign. It's nice that he has a job he feels positively about anyway.

As for my job, my boss seems determined that I should keep on working full time, or nearly full time. The money will be nice but truly, working when I don't have to seems like it would be a big bummer. I'm so damn lazy!

I was pouring myself a drink this evening, warm Mt.Dew into a glass with ice, which of course fizzed up quite a bit. After the fizz had all gone down Kathrynn looked at it and mentioned to me that now it was only half full. I said "Yes, I know" and went on with what I was doing. She looks at it a moment longer, cocks her head to one side and says "or is it half empty?"

I laughed and said "people have been asking that question for hundreds of years."

But she wouldn't hear it. She demanded to know which was correct, from the point of view of a six year old still trying to master the language she was pretty sure it was either half full or half empty. She didn't believe me that it was both.

I asked her which she thought it was. She said it looked half full and then wanted to know if she got it right. LOL

It was way too adorable!

I found a diet I simply must try.

There is a young woman who we'll call "Julie"** who comes into my work twice a day to buy her food. I call it food in the loosest sense of the word because it is what I would generally categorize as crap.

This is a meal for "Julie"...

1 Small soda (I haven't asked what kind it is and I'm not creepy enough to watch and find out. I would have to guess it's probably NOT diet)
1 Hostess (Ho Ho's, Twinkies, Donettes, whatever suits her that day)
2 Candy Bars (Reeses, Snickers, an occasional York Peppermint Patty)

Breakfast of champions, no?

And, well, lunch too because I kid you not she comes in twice a day and buys this! Every weekday (she works at a nearby bank).

At this point I'm sure you're thinking my above statement that I simply must try this diet was sarcastic. That surely this carb hungry sugar junkie must be big as a house. But the punchline here people is NO. She's not. She's got the body of a champion figure skater who dances ballet in her spare time! She's amazingly thin.

Thin enough that I want to vomit on her.

And she's nice too which makes me want to kick her AS I vomit on her!

But one has to admire her willpower. I honestly don't think I could stomach such a diet. I'd be a jittery ball of goo on the floor.


**All names have been changed to protect the innocent. But as she's not really innocent, well this might just be her real name!

Shawn got a job. It's only temporary. But it's a fricking HOUR away! At Columbia Crest Winery. We'll see how long that lasts. The good side (?maybe?) is that I can cut back my hours at work and be home more! Well I will have to because he's going to be gone so much (10 hour shifts) and he has to take the car. So I'll be home more and able to do more stuff but I won't have a car so that stuff will not include going very many cool places! :-(

If we had another car it would make the world tons easier.

But still even if he only goes a couple days before he decides it too damn far to drive it will give a a couple hundred bucks to help pay off a few bills.

In other news we stayed up late last night trying to put together a computer. All new components but something is not right and we don't know which one's the problem. Half the time it beeps saying the RAM is bad the rest of the time it seems to load fine but there's no video feed at all. It's not the videocard because we tried a couple different ones that we know work. It's not the slot the videocard goes in because we tried 2 different slots. But something is really fucked up. Naturally this would happen the first time Shawn helped an almost stranger build a computer and that person invested $800 in it (just the tower!). Sigh. I hope he figures it out! And I really hope that whatever it is, it wasn't Shawn's fault!

...don't mind the sirens.

Last night I was sitting here at my computer, my kids were jumping around on my bed and I heard two loud noises outside. Like a crack/pop sound. Like fireworks maybe but different somehow. I've never really heard gun shots. Only on TV. And you know that must sound different than real life.

The kids next door were having a Homecoming party later but right then they were at the dance so I figured it wasn't them. I was a little alarmed but not totaly until I heard police sirens racing down my street.

I went downstairs and Shawn was on another computer. I asked him if he had heard the noises. He said he heard the loud bangs but hadn't heard the sirens. We went outside to check it out.

All the neighbors had the same idea. And there were people out on almost every doorstep. We watched 4 more police cars whiz by with lights flashing. They all accumulated at the south end of my block.

It was like 'Dejavue with Gunshots' because last week there had been a bunch of flashing lights down there arresting someone for domestic violence. Someone who had a gun but refused to come out of the house. They had the loudspeaker out and were trying to coax him/her out of the house. We could hear it all.

Last night there was no loudspeaker so we didn't get to know exactly what was going on. But a cop did come and ask us what we had heard and if we had smelled any gunpowder like it was fireworks or anything.

In all the excitement I got to meet the new neighbors who were moving into the house across the street. They have 3 kids 6, 4, and 2! We're very excited. That is assuming they decide to stay! LOL The funny thing is it was right when we were moving in that the people right next doow were busted for selling drugs. Flashing lights and all!

Welcome to the neighborhood!